Untitled.

(Sometimes we all get to a point where we let life take control of us. We all need to be carefree sometimes. However the consequences of  it may be more than we can handle. I took two months off in the coast. Days spent wave-watching at the beach and finally reading ‘The Alchemist’. I may not have gotten to the point of total focus; but I could face my past, live my present and believe in my future. We all can if we are brave enough. Let go, let God!)

I’m at peace with the world again

At ease with every spot and stain

Free to believe in the gain of fame

Ready to regain my faith in life again

Too soon to call it quits on my beliefs

It’s so true that I can’t escape

From the moments set in stone for me

Sticks & stones will still be thrown at me

 But this worlds will keep me free

That one day I may sit in majesty

Where I’ll no longer be a travesty

On eyes set to discredit me

Dismember and throw blows at me

For today I set out my destiny

To live in love of all who measure up to bout with me

May God always be proud of me.

Three Six Six

Here’s your day. You did wait four years after all…..

February is a significant month for me. I was born, for one. It’s the month that tends to be my pivot for change. It’s the month when my calendar has a few too many reminders and events, not that I mind though. It’s just that it ends up looking like I scribbled all over my calendar or I took note of every time I intended to take a shower. February is a heavy month, it’s no wonder I have acquired the alias ‘Fevrier’ a couple of times in my life.

Despite all this, this has been my most quiet month. Instead of taking my shine-time and using it to create that storm in the cup, change the world a little, I hid. I ran away like the little girl time has stolen away from me. Simply put, pride neglected: I was afraid; afraid that I may actually be good enough, GREAT ENOUGH!

Fear looms here and there; attacking whenever it sees fit. Fear loves those already fearful of itself. It emanates a laugh cultivated at the depth of its being. Fear can cut off your wings and leave you an Emu; spinning your keys round its forefinger when it finishes the job. It paralyzes your left leg at the goal and mutes your strongest note. Fear steals your laugh, your love, your spirit and with it each and every dream.

I can tell you what to do with fear. I can tell you only because occasionally am blessed with the ability to follow good sense and secondly because fear comes from within me (and you); the worst kind of psychopathic stalker.

So what do you do with fear…?
You mute it. You create a bubble in your ear and you only listen to the waves. You close your eyes for a single second; open them to a blur and you take the first step. You take that journey as though someone stole your money. If they lived ten thousand gates away from you, you walk past the first few, you stop for a breather, and you look down the road. It’s a frighteningly long distance, isn’t it? Right there is the make or break. Right then: Run! Run down the boulevard. Beat the wind with every push forward. Now you have the momentum you need. Kick down their gate together with the folly that made them believe they could come into your space, look at you in the eye with a sheepish smile drawn on their face, and mess around with the essence of your being. It’s not what they took; it’s that they dared take it from you.
Just like that, fear’s gone. It wouldn’t mess with you even if it were an 80-foot egocentric power-hungry bird with canines.

February is at its end. It’s a little hard to see it go without having taken a super leap; till this very moment of course. It’s the month most associated with love. I choose to fall deeply and madly. I’ll wake up, say those three words and mean it with all my heart. I’ll look in the mirror and it will be true. The person I see is he whom I truly will always be there for, all I have to do is live as I desire and never apologize for what makes me unique. Problem is; I have to choose. Will I be afraid to love this soul?

Here’s what I say; take what is yours: YOUR LIFE. Live it. You are the only person who has to live WITH it after all. Here’s an extra day. Fear didn’t bother to cater too keenly for it. Its rules varnish and you are free. Risk it, even only up to the next February :-). I can bet you that a year of life pushed to the limit will wipe away worries of years lost and could ripple into many more to be truly proud of. Feel free to hold me accountable for that statement.

This is the 366th!!

WHOSE TIME?

I know loss. I know death. I know the torment of an un-consulted will.

I don’t really have to think far back to it either. Feels like just the other day. Probably because it was. It was 2011 for me. A year I knew would change my life. But who ever thinks they’ll have a year of pain? A year of remorse? An entire year of repercussions for the years past? A year of loss after loss; followed by loss? FUNNY: I used to joke that 2011 may be my ‘Gutter Year’. Be careful what you wish for. Always knock on wood as my sister would say 

Three weeks back my maternal grandma slipped away. She left all 7 billion of us; just as much as she left the few whose hearts will never be the same without her witty kind of love.

Death happens. We know it at the back of our mind as we try to live forever, like there is no tomorrow, that one day the sand will be on our casket; looking up to the world, giving it our goodbyes, heading to the skies. Or it will be on that of the person we are sitting right beside, we laugh with, we commit to, we cry on their shoulder; he whose words we can’t bear to hear, to whom we truly don’t wish the best, those who killed our dreams without a second thought of compassion and those whose hearts we broke or who broke our own.

Death happens. Always in unexpected detail. It doesn’t indicate time or fashion or emotion. Even with all our science, class, gadgets, social order, religion. A cynical unifying element.

This is pretty debatable but, it is easier to accept death. Death is frequent, no need to quote statistics to know that. Death is universal, ask anyone absolutely anywhere about it. And death is expected. That’s why there’s that suppressed fear that the day is near or even here. In a clearly ironic way, death is comfortable (again highly debatable), cause the rest of the world is going through its inevitability and imperfection too. It makes it okay, though not lovely, to experience death. Loss by death.

When the time has come, not even the obstinacy of the will can stop what is to be. Exactly like death, every experience is inevitable. Believe it! Watching a documentary you stumbled upon that just happens to apply to your current situation, attending a previously declined event that changes your career plans or thoughts on life and love. Every experience as well has this complexly right imperfection. Having a bad hair day or wardrobe mishap the day you finally have your dream encounter with your crush that leaves no choice but to highlight your wonderful personality? Yeah! Every experience that comes to be, was meant to be. Meant to turn out exactly as it results. It’s time has come. It’s time is right.

This blog’s time had come. My weakened wounded will could not stop it. Life has a power so strong that our souls must sometimes just give into its sway. And the beauty that may result from such disaster, now we’ll see. Now we’ll know. May I now begin this journey with this step (feel free to keep up) and reminisce about this moment a thousand miles ahead.

AMEN.

For my beautiful Bonareri, fondly I called you ‘Grandma’ till the very last day, Rest In Peace Love. I pray I have half the spirit you had, for then my dreams are just mine for the taking.